Raising Attabury: A Contemporary Christian Epic-Novel (The Grace Series Book 5) Page 9

  Yes, actually Eric wanted to know, a lot, but he didn’t know how to ask, so he just hoped really hard that Caleb would keep talking.

  “Let me tell you, being whole is a whole lot harder than it sounds.” Caleb shook his head. “I thought the pastor was crazy the first few times we talked. Being solid with God in yourself, loving someone unconditionally no matter what they’re like back to you? Let me tell you, I thought he was a few cards short of a deck. But then, I started kind of buying into it, testing out what he was saying, taking a real, good, hard look at myself and what I really was, how I was living, what I was living for, and to be real honest, I didn’t like what I saw.”

  “What was that?”

  “Somebody living day-to-day without really thinking about anybody else or how my life affected theirs. Somebody so wrapped up himself he didn’t even realize how shallow he was living. I can’t say I get it all now, but I’m not the man I used to be, that’s for sure. Learning to love.” He shook his head slowly. “That’s been about the toughest thing I’ve ever learned or done in my life.”

  Eric wasn’t sure he was following. “But Rachel seems great.”

  “Oh, she is, and she was definitely worth learning unconditional love, but actually learning it and doing it, yeah, that about killed me.” Caleb glanced down at the book still in Eric’s hand. “You can take the book if you want. The pastor gave me that copy, so…”

  “Oh. No. I can’t…”

  However, Caleb’s gaze became solid and very firm. “Take it. I’m sure I can get another one from the pastor.”

  Dani had her laptop on the covers across her legs. The television was on because she hated how quiet the house was. Her thoughts slipped down the hallway to Jaden, and she realized she should at least check in with her daughter one more time. The laptop went one way and the covers went on top of it. When she came back, she really needed to go over the easements that had come in from Joel an hour before. It could be a long night.

  Padding down the hallway to the door by the balcony railing, she listened at the door, sure that Jaden was already asleep. However, she could hear a soft murmur on the other side, and worry drained into her. She opened the door very, very softly almost without moving it.

  “They’re fighting a lot,” Jaden said, her voice hushed in the still night air. “I tried to be quiet tonight, but Mommy said, ‘Go to bed.’ Do you think they love me anymore?” In the quiet, Dani heard the soft little sniffle, and her heart jerked to a stop.

  Worry. Fear. Horror. Panic.

  They lit through her like a fire across tinder.

  “Thank you, Snuggles. Thank you for being here…”

  “Ja?” Dani pushed the door open, giving her daughter an indication she was there.

  The soft sniff was followed immediately by. “Yes, Ma’am?”

  “Are you going to sleep now, baby girl?”

  “Y-yes, Ma’am. I was just saying my prayers.”

  Dani had no idea how to handle the situation. She wanted to go in and tell her daughter she never had to worry about them fighting, but was that the truth or a lie? And should she lie to her daughter to make her feel better if it would just hurt her more when the truth came out? Worse, Jaden would know she had been listening if she said anything. “Okay, well, you get on to sleep then.”

  “Yes, Ma’am.”

  With that, Dani closed the door, her heart hurting like it might in fact break.

  The first wheel is called the “Try Harder” wheel. When you live on this wheel, everything is a struggle. You know you’re not where you need and want to be, and you are constantly striving to get there. The mythical “destination” is much like the carrot and the horse, always just enough out of reach to keep us striving for more.

  “If I just try a little harder, I could get that thing I desperately want.”

  “If I just work a little harder, study a little harder, set goals and go for them a little harder, I can make all of my dreams come true.”

  I probably don’t have to tell you this, but the try harder wheel is exhausting. You never “arrive” at what you’re trying to get to. That carrot is always just a little farther out there. While this wheel has energy, the energy often swings between frantic and exhausted.

  Like he’d been hit with a wrecking ball, Eric put his head back on the headboard. “Whoa.” With a shake of his head, he read that section again. Try harder. That was the story of his entire life. Always feeling like he’d gotten the small sack of smarts in the family, he had tried harder until he was practically blue in the face. But it never worked. He was never as good as his brothers and sister. Not that his mother was ever cruel about it or that she compared them to each other, but he knew the score as well as anyone did. His gaze slid back to the words.

  The second wheel is the “Give Up” wheel. On this wheel, you simply can’t try harder any longer. You have learned that trying harder doesn’t work, that it’s a waste of time, and you are just exhausted from striving.

  On the give up wheel, you don’t even care about “If I just…” All you want is to stagnate and give up the fight.

  Most everyone spends their lives on either the Try Harder or the Give Up wheel. You may, in fact, alternate to some degree between the two, but this is where the majority of us live out or lives—in perpetual hamster-like spinning on these wheels.

  He was only six pages in. How could it have gotten so deep so quickly? Taking a breath because the book was freaking him out, he angled his gaze back to the words.

  The Good News that Jesus came to show us and teach us is that we do not have to spend our lives on these wheels. In fact, the abundant life He says He came to give us is all about getting off of those two wheels, experiencing a paradigm shift in our thinking and way of being, and jumping onto the “God” wheel.

  On the “God” Wheel, your experience shifts from striving and working or giving up and hopelessness to a life you might only think is found in a fairy tale book. In fact, many of our original fairy tales like Sleeping Beauty and Cinderella are rooted in this very shift.

  In Cinderella, young Ella is tragically separated from her loving father, forced into virtual slavery by her cruel stepmother and stepsisters, and eventually rescued from that existence when the prince falls in love with her, seeks her out, and miraculously wants to marry her and bring her to his life of abundance.

  (Sound familiar? It will as we go if it doesn’t now!)

  This is why these stories are told and retold because they contain the belief that this life is not all there is, that it once was secure and peaceful, and that secure and peaceful is possible again through the love of the Son of the King.

  “Not all there is.” Eric let out a long, slow breath. “Not all there is.”

  If only that were true…

  Chapter 7

  “What’s that?” Greg asked the next morning as Eric sat at the table, the book open as he read, trying to absorb it all as fast as he could.

  “Caleb gave it to me.” He lifted the book and watched Greg read the title.

  “Spiritual Wholeness.” Going back to his cereal, Greg lifted his spoon. “Is it any good?”

  “Uh, well… yeah.” Eric wasn’t at all sure he’d be able to explain any of it if pressed. He had read half the night because he couldn’t quit. In fact, he’d fallen asleep sitting up. Even now, with a conversation to be had, his gaze drifted back to the pages.

  “What’s it about?”

  “Oh. Well, this part is talking about chaos and drama in the world.” He checked that Greg was still listening. He was. “Like this part. Looking at this whole picture, you begin to see why the world feels so chaotic and filled with drama… BECAUSE IT IS!

  “You have people in desire/greed taking advantage of people in fear and guilt. The people in fear and guilt are trying to survive and eek out an existence without dropping any further. Everyone’s individual life is revolving on The Wheel of Fortune. Up and down, up and down in a never-ending cycle. It’s
enough to make you want to throw up your hands and QUIT!

  “Were truer words ever spoken?” Eric asked wryly.

  “Chaos and drama,” Greg said. “Boy, I know about those.”

  “You think getting out of them are possible?” Eric really wanted to know.

  “Well, I look at where I was, and I look at where I am now, and then I think about where I could be,” Greg said. “Yeah, I think it’s possible. Not that I’m out yet, but I’m a whole lot better off now than I was.”

  Dani woke up feeling like someone had driven an eighteen-wheeler with chains over her throat. She tried to clear it. That was a mistake. The cough was worse. “Ugh.”

  Collapsing back down in the pillows, she was asleep before she thought about life even one more second.

  Meow.

  Eric and Caleb both turned at the sound as they stood in the Attabury kitchen, gaming out what could logically be done with the servants’ quarters.

  “Well, what do we have here?” Caleb asked of the scrawny light gray cat that came roaming its way through the room. “Where did you come from?”

  Meow.

  Without hesitation, he walked over to the pathetic looking creature. “You look like you could use some milk. Yes, you do.” Carefully he put his hand out to the cat, which looked at him warily. However, it did not hiss. Gently he lowered his hand to its head and ran it down its back. “Poor thing. It’s probably been surviving on whatever mice it could find out here. Got pretty cold last night, huh? There must be a hole in a wall somewhere.”

  Somewhere? Eric wanted to ask, but he didn’t. Instead, he simply watched Caleb with the cat.

  “What do you say? You want to go home with me? I know a couple of little kids who would be all over loving on you,” Caleb said still petting the cat. Then he stopped and turned on the heel he was sitting on. “You don’t mind, do you? I mean, it’s your house, so it’s probably considered your cat.”

  Eric laughed. “Oh, yeah. Like I have so much time to take care of a cat.” He put up his hands. “No. You found it. You can keep it.”

  Caleb turned back for the cat. “Thanks. I think I will.”

  The beeping of her cell phone brought Dani somewhere to the top of consciousness though she still stayed right under the surface. She reached for the annoying thing on the nightstand and turned it on. “Hello?”

  “Dani?”

  That broke her through the surface, and she blinked and coughed which hurt like fire. “Yeah, Mom. It’s me.”

  “What in heaven’s name? You sound awful.”

  “Yeah? Well, that’s a whole lot better than I feel.” She squinted through the sunlight to the clock, tried to swallow, which brought the cough back up. “What time is it?”

  “Are you still in bed?”

  The numbers swam before her eyes, and she squinted harder, trying to force them to stop dancing. It was nearly 11 a.m. “Ugh.” Exhausted from the exertion, she collapsed back into the pillows. “Did you need something?”

  “Well, I did, but you sound like you need me more. Is Eric there? Is he taking care of you? Do you need to go to the doctor?”

  “No, Mom.” Dani slid her fingers over her eyes. They felt like sandpaper. “Eric’s in…” The cough attacked her and would not relinquish its hold. Each one felt like she was hacking up a lung. It was several long, harsh seconds before she could swallow and not choke.

  “Eric’s not there? Where is he? He didn’t go in to work, did he? Where is Jaden? What is she doing?”

  Jaden. The night before. Crying. That’s why her throat hurt so bad, Dani would bet money on it. “I don’t know, Mom. I haven’t even been downstairs yet.” She started coughing again, and this time hurt worse than the last.

  “All right now you listen to me. I’m coming over there right this minute. I’m going to stop at the pharmacy and get you some cough medicine and some Vitamin C. Do you have a humidifier? Because if you don’t, I can bring mine…”

  A dull haze slipped over her and dragged Dani back under the surface of consciousness. She should tell her mother no, say she didn’t have to come, tell her she was fine. But none of that happened, and if she was really honest about it, she was grateful she could just fall apart.

  “Yeah,” Eric said as they went over the finalized plans at Greg’s office later. “I really like how this all came together, and that dining room is going to be perfect in the old parlor.”

  “I think we can do shelving or bookcases in this office space,” Caleb said, pointing to it. “We have plenty of room especially on this far end. If you want two desks, one for you and one for Dani, we could offset them. I think there would be plenty of room for that.”

  “I like that idea.” Eric nodded just as his phone beeped. He pulled it out, and annoyed concern sent a jagged edge through him. What in the world? His mother-in-law never called him. This would not be good news nor pleasant. He turned the thing on and signaled to Caleb and Greg that he would be right back. “Hello?” Carefully, quietly he stepped out into the long hallway. The sunshine through the window at the far end beckoned him, and he went over to it.

  “Eric?”

  “Yes. This is Eric. Is there something wrong?”

  “I’ll say there’s something wrong. You left your wife here sick as a skunk in wintertime.”

  A skunk in wintertime? Who said that? Then is brain kicked in. “Dani’s sick? What’s wrong with her? Where’s Jaden? Is Dani okay?” The questions attacked him like they’d just sprung an ambush.

  “Jaden is here at the house with me. She’s fine. Dani’s upstairs sleeping though I don’t know how with all the coughing she’s doing. I was just wondering when you’re going to be home. I’m supposed to go to the opening of the Borden Exhibit tonight with Claudia, but I can cancel if you’re not coming before then.”

  Honestly Eric wanted to tell her to do just that, but he knew that wasn’t fair. Besides, they were nearly finished anyway. Still one piece of his soul said he had very much been looking forward to staying in Ridgemount tonight. There was a peace here he just didn’t feel at home. “Yeah. Yeah. Of course you can go. I’ll be home. We’re about to wrap things up here anyway. I should be home in like three hours. Will that be soon enough? If not, I could always call Carly.”

  “Three hours…” She paused, figuring the time frame. “That should give me enough time, but don’t be late. I can’t leave Jaden here with her mother like she is.”

  “I’ll be there.”

  The drive home gave Eric time to think, which was something of a good thing and something of a bad thing. So long as he thought about Ridgemount, it was good. Only when his thoughts turned to Raleigh did it darken.

  He had given the computer files of the pictures to Caleb who had shared them with Rachel. Apparently they were a big hit, which was good. At least he hadn’t messed up their wedding memories forever. The sad part was he no longer had an excuse to “visit” them each night in the pictures. He had grown to love those pictures in a way he really couldn’t describe.

  Then his thoughts turned to Attabury. That old house had felt like such a burden at first. Now it felt like a vision of things to come, and those things danced in his imagination like Sugar Plum Fairies at Christmas time, iridescent and soul-lifting. He couldn’t explain that either, how being with Caleb and Greg made him feel like he was in a whole other world.

  That turned his thoughts to Raleigh, and his soaring spirit crashed to the ground. There was just so much wrong with that picture, so much that felt so heavy and sad. He hated that, really he did, but he didn’t know what to do about it.

  His gaze drifted over and down to the floorboard and his duffle bag where the little book peeked out of the side pocket. With a nod, he told himself when he got home, he would make a point of putting it next to his Bible. Maybe between the two of them, he could figure out how to move what was in Ridgemount to Raleigh. It was the only way he could hope to not get drowned in the muck waiting for him at home.

  Her moth
er had brought up more Kleenex and Nyquil at some point. Dani didn’t even remember when that was. She had resorted to stacking her pillows so she was nearly sitting up rather than laying down, which she had learned was a very bad idea. The late afternoon sunlight filtered in through the slats of the beige blinds when she awoke, groggy and drained. For a full minute she couldn’t even decide what day it was. Then she remembered.

  She really should get up and go check on things. Barely hanging onto awake, she drew the blankets off her legs, swung them over, and put her feet on the floor. The entire room swayed with the movement. “Ugh.”

  This felt even worse than she remembered it. Holding onto the bed for balance, she stood and made her way around it, grabbing up her robe from the foot of it. When had she put it there? She couldn’t remember. Tossing it over her shoulders, she coughed, hard, which threw her equilibrium off so holding onto the bed was all that was keeping her up.

  Determination to see how things were in her house dragged her to the door and out into the hallway. The stairs swam before her eyes, and she clutched the handrail to go down them. She could hear voices in the living room, but they were soft and could well be coming from the television.

  Three steps from the bottom another cough gripped her, and she had to stop the descent. Before she came back up for air, three worried faces were standing at the bottom looking up at her with concern and disgust.

  “Danisha,” her mother said, harshness knotted in the name, “what are you doing out of bed?”

  “I just…” Her eyes were watering something fierce now, and the act of speaking ripped up another horrible-sounding cough.

  Her mother’s gaze jerked over to Eric who sprang into action, coming up the stairs to her. He took hold of her gently, almost hesitantly. The look on his face was one of deep concern woven with heartbreaking uncertainty.

  “Babe, you look… Why don’t you go on back up? I can bring you orange juice. Are you hungry? Have you eaten?”